Gratitude

     Holy moly.  I just finished Grad School.  I have received so many congrats, best wishes, keep us updated, etc.  It's mind blowing to think of where I am today, and where I thought I would be today 2, 5, or even 10 years ago!  Never, in a million years, thought I would go to Grad School, much less for Vocal Performance.

     Looking back at the past two years: a LOT has happened.  A lot in the way of activity, as well as spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical growth (no, I didn't get FAT, you ass!).  Coming from WI, I have an inherent need to run myself into the ground by overbooking myself and working exceptionally hard to get what I need or want--sometimes making it harder for myself than necessary, and most certainly harder than what most others put themselves through.  With all of my jobs, on top of school, I had time to eat, sleep (sometimes), and poop... and take my dog out to the bathroom.  My schedules were based off of my dogs needs, which sometimes interfered with class choices.  Then my jobs had to be worked into my crazy class and rehearsal schedule.  Sometimes I got very close to having mini breakdowns just because I was spread so thin--doing less than 120% for anything drives me crazy--but, when you're working 40 hours a week (from various jobs adding up over) as well as trying to do well in school, things get a bit hairy.

     This year, 2011-12, I couldn't be in any of the productions at school because I was so busy with my 4-5 jobs, preparing for my recital, etc.  It was a bit saddening, but at the same time I remembered that I had been chorus and named characters in ALL of the French productions last year, as well as the alto soloist for Mozart's Requiem this year.  The other day, a musical director I had worked with last year saw me and asked how I was, if I was graduating, etc.  I said, "Yep!  On Thursday!"   She simply looked at me with a smirk and said, "I don't know how you survived this year."  "Neither do I.  But I'm still kickin'!"  She, along with many of the faculty at Peabody, knew my work and school situation.  They know how hard I have pushed myself.  Even the parish members at the church I work at know--and they always look at me with wide eyes, smile, and shake their heads.

     Knowing that I've done a decent amount in my relatively short time on this earth, I still feel inadequate.  I haven't learned ANYTHING close to the amount of things I want to learn.  I have so much knowledge to acquire in the next 50+ years that it's a bit daunting.  I also look at others, some of which are my age, and realize how much of a DUNCE I am in comparison.  There is always someone, no matter how smart or incredible you [think you] are, that is better than you.  We need to strive to improve, continually!  Push ourselves, and work hard.

     Everyone has been extremely supportive and exceptionally flexible to accommodate for my [chosen] demanding lifestyle and schedule needs.  It has been so comforting to know that I could rely on all of these people in my life to help me when I needed it--which I have.  Family, friends, teachers, colleagues, etc., all of you have been amazing for the past 26 years.

Thank you, to all of those who have affected and helped me to become the person I am today.

Why... Not?

     So often the question of "Why?!" arises in life.  "Why do this?  Or that? What do you really get out of it?  That's crazy!  I wouldn't!..."  Just as often, when I was younger, I would ask those questions--to myself more than to others.  I shot myself in the foot so many times before I even had a chance.  I thought, for so many years, that I wasn't worth it or that I wasn't good enough to do or try anything "extraordinary".  It took until about 2 years ago, when I got accepted to grad school, to realize how much of a difference I could make in my own life and others' lives (for that matter).  It took me about 26 years to realize that I really can do whatever I want with my life, no matter how "out there" it seems to others; chances are with close to 7 billion other people on this planet, that there are others who enjoy the same things, whether recreational or vocational, and that I'm not all that zany after all.

    Why [not] go on a bike ride, even if it is 1,300 miles long?  Why [not] put solar panels on my [future] house, or have a greenhouse to grow produce in all year long?  Why [not] share my passion for music in my hometown and/or attempt to integrate it and the arts into that community?  I cannot honestly think of good, valid reasons as to not do any of these things.  Yes, some may say the cycling solo is dangerous; I agree to an extent.  It's only dangerous if you're not prepared for situations or people that could cause harm--luckily I'm an OVER-PLANNER.  I have a good head on my shoulders and am not going to put myself in a situation that I couldn't get out of, i.e. asking a stranger in a pick-up truck in the middle of nowhere if they could take me into town as the sun is setting or not stopping at the last 7Eleven I know I'll see for awhile when I'm getting low on fluids or food... etc.  The last thing I want to do is be unprepared--it'll only make my trip harder for me!  Also, some may ask about the cost/benefit ratio of solar panels and a greenhouse.  They are EXPENSIVE, yes, but you have to calculate the benefit(s) in years, not instantaneous:

-Will you take the time to nurture and maintain your plants?
-How much of your grocery bills is spent on fruits/veggies each week or month.
-How much does that equate to over a year?  Multiply it by a few years...
-How much does a greenhouse cost to build/maintain?
-How much do seeds and plants cost?  Are they perennials or annuals?

These, and so many more questions that are related to our decisions, need to be asked.  However, "Why would you do that?" simply doesn't seem like a logical one; it's vague, shows our lack of analytical and observational power.  It also seems to give off an aire of skepticism and non-approval before we've even heard the reasons as to why.  If someone where to choose buy a new car, even if I knew they couldn't necessarily afford it, I would ask "Why?!"  Rather, I'd ask something like, "What are the benefits of this car versus your old one?  Does it get better gas mileage?  Safety features?  Less spent on maintenance each year?  Lower insurance rate?" Etc.  We all have our reasons as to "why?"  You better be able to back them up with logical and sound thoughts if you'd rather not get criticized.

     That brings me to why I choose to do my cycling and recitals, attempt to lessen my carbon footprint, eat more locally grown and pesticide/hormone/GMO free foods, start a scholarship for my old HS, etc.  I don't do these things to fit in, which some people do, unfortunately.  I'm not trendy--you can ask anyone.  I do these things for a purpose.  Whether it's to fulfill me, help my hometown, better my body and mind, or just because it's something I enjoy--I always have a reason.  I won't let others' fear or apprehension get in the way of what I'd like to do with my life; not that I won't take it into consideration, because there are definite circumstances and situations that I haven't taken into account that they bring to light!  But, when I set my mind to something, it's going to happen whether YOU like it or not, for better or for worse.

As long as I have physical and mental capabilities to test, I will!  Why not?

On the Road [to recovery?]

     Well, I finally got an appointment to have an MRI of my knee (should they check my noggin too while they're at it? Hahahaaaa!) set up.  So, on Monday, I'll have a schnazzy image taken of my innards.  I hope that my knee injury from last spring, which I aggravated on my cycling trip home, is semi-easily rehabilitatable (I had to read that a few times to make sure I spelled it, and used the word I actually wanted to, correct--what a mouthful!).  I am a realist, however, and I recognize the fact that if you injure yourself, especially at a powerful, everyday use kind of joint, and it continues to bother you a year later... well, maybe you royally eff'd up and I may have to take more time to rehab it, or, worst-short term scenario, cancel my cycling trip for 2012.
   
     At least I'm taking the steps to figure out what is wrong with my knee.  There are some folks, especially in the older generations, who figure they have to deal with the pain or that things are incurable--they simply refuse to pay to get stuff checked out until the pain or condition is so bad that, by that time, it may be too late.  I COMPLETELY understand the hesitation in doing a lot of procedures and tests because of the numbers you'll see after a dollar sign on a bill that is sent to you--I GET THAT!  Even with insurance (which I only have because our school requires it), I will pay a chunk of change for my MRI.  But, I see it as an investment in my [health's] future.  Some people invest in property, others in their vehicle, some in the stock market.  I, however, invest in my health.  What good would money, property, a fast car, etc. be without your health?  It's a question that a lot of us need to contemplate.  People ask, especially my family members, why I pay for Farmers' Market goods, which may or may not cost more than the retail store?  Why do I eat certain foods?  Why do I kick myself in the ass for not exercising?  Why do I do this "crazy" bike trip every year?  Why?  All I can say is, "It's for me."  I know, on many levels, how much food affects our bodies, how much exercise is crucial to our mental and physical well-being, the true cost of getting industrially made goods vs. more local sources.  There are so many factors as to why I eat and treat my body the way I do.  All of them, in culmination, make me happy and healthy.

     I also do this cycling trip for you, Montello.  I want to raise money to help you and your people.  I want to give back, via the funds I raise and the recitals/concerts I produce, to you--to show you how far I've come, and to give you a taste of something different.  I want to open your eyes a bit to what's outside of your community; to enlighten and to enrich you, to give you new opportunities and things to think about... my zaniness and physical brutality to myself is because I'm trying to lead by example.  I'm not saying I want you to ride 1,200 miles on a bicycle, or to buy your meat(s) from a local, antibiotic-free, grass fed source 100%, or that you have to produce an annual concert and raise funds for the community--that is what I do.  I want it to inspire you to think... to do... to learn...  I want my actions to cause you to take a moment and assess your life and what you really want to do with it; it is  the only one we have, so we better do what makes us happy, or it'll be miserable!  Don't live it for anyone else.  But, live as a healthy and pro-active example for those around you to see, but not necessarily a model they have to follow to the T.

Life is about choices, and I've made mine.  Have you made yours?